you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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