It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
