I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
