So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
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