i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
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