i wish my penis had a tongue
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
