If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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