I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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