i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
