I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
