I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
