mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Randomize
