I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Randomize
