Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
