EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
