yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
