When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
