Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
