me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
