Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
