this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Randomize
