He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
