You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Shitshow foam night was such a success
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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