Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
