In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Randomize
