Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
