I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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