You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
