dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
