I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Randomize
