I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
