I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
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