I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
