I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
