I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
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