Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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