In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
