I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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