seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
In America we eat man semen.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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