Who did Billy Mays play for?
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
