Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Randomize
