tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
