I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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