Betty ford says i'm here all night
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
