This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
