Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
