Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
But break dance skills will only take you so far
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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