theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
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