dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
