apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
