My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I think weed is turning my hair brown
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
